It is I. Remember the last post when everything was all happy-smiley and I had nothing to complain about? Well, this post is going to be the exact opposite of that as I’m here to talk about my dilapidating relationship between myself and my mother.
For those of you who have been around and reading my posts for a while, you’ll know that my mother and I don’t exactly have the best relationship but I do try my hardest to make things work between us, at least until I go to university. However, recently, it’s been seeming as though me trying isn’t worth it anymore, and I am about to tell you why.
Reasons why my mother isn’t a great mother:
Most of the time, I stay at my boyfriend’s house to get away from her(for reasons that will soon become clear) because he and his housemates understand what’s going on between me and my mum and they see why I want to get away from her, but sometimes I come home to look after the house while she stays at her friends’ in a different town and, while this is fine by me, the way that she asks me to come back is not. She doesn’t even ‘ask’, per se, she commands me to come home, and it’s usually very last minute so if I have any sort of plans, I have to drop them immediately in order to come home and she always uses my dog as blackmail even though she could take her with her.
So, after I’ve dropped all of my plans to come back home, I see her for all of about half an hour before she leaves. You would expect that if she knew full well that I was coming back to stay, she would have stocked up on food so that I could eat while I’m there, right? Yeah, that doesn’t happen. I have to ask if the freezer’s stocked up to which she usually replies “…There’s bits in” (and by bits she means a couple of chicken fillets that are soggy and fake when cooked (which she knows because I’ve told her this before) and some chips. Nothing in the fridge except for some gone-off ham, cheese, and coleslaw, and nothing in the cupboards except for soup, rice pudding (which I don’t like and she knows I don’t) and some biscuits and stuff for her to eat, most of which has nuts in so I can’t have them) and then she goes on to shout at me about how little money she has left from what the government and insurance give her for certain entitlements and a couple of accidents she had last year (nothing serious). Every time she gets paid, she says she’ll put some money aside and go freezer shopping with me but when it comes to me asking about it she’s spent it all on gym memberships, meals with her friends and nights out, despite her putting so much pressure on me to be financially savvy with the minimal money that I have which I have to spend on cheap microwave meals when I come home to look after the house so that I can actually eat something. This has been going on for a while now. And if she ever does get food in, she brags about it like it’s some kind of amazing, mind-blowing thing for her to be feeding her child properly. So, as you can probably imagine by this point I’m feeling stressed about money, hungry, neglected and quite frustrated that my mother isn’t doing one of the most basic things that a mother should do for their child. It continues.
She shouts at me for the most simple and ridiculous things. For example, if I forget to put another toilet roll out, if I haven’t wiped crumbs off of the kitchen side, if I haven’t done all of the pots, which usually aren’t mine because I eat maybe two things a day while I’m in that house and yet she leaves me with all of her pots to do from the few days prior to me coming home, if I forget to do something around the house from a list that she gives me to do before she gets back (this list is a spoken one, not written, so I have to remember to do about six different things at once) despite me having done everything else on said list. As most of you know, I have anxiety, and my mother knows this too but she neglects to take my feelings into account when shouting at me for these things and if I have a panic attack because of this, she tells me to “stop being pathetic” and shouts at me some more until I run upstairs into my room, my safe space. She’ll then follow me upstairs and invade my safe space by coming into my room, shouting at my some more and cornering me on my bed.
As well as this (oh, yes, the list goes on), she constantly compares me to my older brother, who doesn’t actually live with us but in her eyes is a perfect angel who can do no wrong. She’ll say to me if I don’t make her a cup of tea without her asking “if Chris were here he’d make me one without me needing to ask” or, if she’s ill, she’ll say “if Chris were here he’d be checking on me all the time and getting me things”. I hate when she does this, because it makes me feel so inadequate and unwanted.
Adding on to my previous point about her leaving me a list of chores to do while I’m at home, I don’t mind helping around the house, but what she leaves for me to do is ridiculous. I’m the only one of the two of us in that household that actually cleans anything because when I get back from my boyfriend’s she usually tells me to clean the house from top to bottom (bathroom, living room, dining room, kitchen) because she doesn’t do it while I’m not there, even though, as she so often reminds me, “it’s my[her] house”. I feel like she’s using me to do all the hard work so that all she has to do is sit around and drink tea while listening to the radio and I’m only there for cleaning purposes because she never actually asks me to come home to do anything with her and if we ever make any plans, to go to the cinema, for example, she always finds a way around them. She either makes plans when we plan to do something and then chooses her new plans over the old ones with me, or over-spends during the week, all while knowing full well that we planned to do something, and then when it comes to the day before says “I don’t have enough money, we’ll have to do it next week” and then the next week rolls around and she has another excuse, and so on, and so forth until the plans just go out of the window.
The final thing I have to say about our frankly dysfunctional relationship, is that my mum and dad are divorced, so I understand that things can get tough sometimes with money, which is why my dad sends over some money every month to help my mum with food and clothes and general things I need to stay alive, but I don’t see a penny of it. In fact, the last I saw of my money was last week when mum was using over half of it to pay off her car. Whenever I ask for some money for some new jeans if mine rip, she says something along the lines of “no because that money goes to me for me to keep you and use on your general upkeep” and it definitely doesn’t go towards food because, as I said before, the freezer, fridge and cupboards are basically empty. I genuinely feel like she’s just using me for the money she can get from my child maintenance and the money she gets from my dad and she doesn’t actually care about me at all.
Ok, now I’ve finished explaining what’s happening, if any of you are still reading this, what do you guys think I should do? I’ve tried standing up to her and telling her to ask me rather than command me to do things and that just caused an argument so standing up to her is a no-go unless I want to be completely estranged from her. Councelling wouldn’t work because she talks over me all the time and I can never get a word in. She’s also very good at making it seem like everything is fine so that’s another reason why councelling si out of the window. Is there anything else I can try other than just avoiding her as much as possible? I’m actually getting desperate so if any of you can help that would be amazing.
If you have any suggestions for what I should do, please please PLEASE leave them in the comments and I will see all you guys in a future blog post for another update on this mad mad life I’m living.
P.S. I’m fully aware that there are people out there in the world who have it worse than me. This is just the worst that I’ve experienced personally and I’m reaching out for help because I don’t want things to escalate and get worse.